The Midnight News 12.01.02
Posted By Hyatte on 12.01.03
Moondogs, Trish, Tammy, Hal Jotsky, Gossip, Sweet Stan, Quotes, and What The Hell Is Up With AAT?
You wrote: "I watched that and half-expected Jericho to carry Trish’s book bag for her. "
You mean like Christian did?
Ed Packard
No, it’s TOTALLY DIFFERENT, MAN!!
Where's this huge fucking column that was promised?
Sean
It’s around
You pimped the ever living shit out of the Triple H And Another Thing deal and it's not here!!! For the fist time ever I was actually looking forward to reading a wrestling column and am shut down. The sad thing is your are the best and I'm gonna be checking back every hour to see if it's posted. Fuck You, you magnificant fuck.
FUCK!!!
RS
Ain’t my fault. I had it sent in on time.
So, let me get this straight: you spent a year writing a gigantic short story about Scott Keith. Yeah, you sure proved that somebody is a loser.
Josh Fugat
See, it’s posted SOMEWHERE… SOMEONE got to read it
Incidentally, you’ve straightened out nothing.
Learn basic HTML, you "net god."
No Name
NOT TO NIT PICK BUT KERRY VON ERIC TOOK THE WARRIORS PLACE ON SOME HOUSE SHOWS IN THE EARLY 90S WHEN THE WARIOR COULD NOT MAKE THE APPERANCES SO TECHNICALLY THERE WAS 2 AT ONE POINT
Coldust.
The fuck are you telling me for?
I've never been a fan of yours, but I think you've jumped the shark. Please tell me the motivation behind logging on AIM and harrassing other writers, who won't even respond to you no matter how desperately you want them to, and then pasting these "conversations" in an article? Is it supposed to be funny? Cool? Rebellious? Man, it's just sad. Similar to that boring, obnoxious, 6,000-page "masterpiece" that you relentlessly hyped. Did you honestly believe that it was entertaining in any way? What has been the
reaction to it? I read a bit, but it was completely uninteresting in almost every way so I stopped.
I have nothing against you and don't give a shit about "net feuds" because they're lame (other than most of Scotsman's), but I am just curious as to your mindset regarding these things. Please share.
Joel
Usually, I get the people who USED to be fans… to get a “never been a fan but you still suck” letter is a nice change of pace.
To answer your questions:
1: I have no motivation behind logging in on AIM and harassing “other writers” (he means the Rick), because it’s not me doing it. It’s other real live people.
2: And yes, I think it’s funny. I also think it’s sort of cool but not the least bit rebellious… not sure where you pulled that adjective from
3: I’ll have you know, sir, that my current (ie: not the first and not the last) “Masterpiece” is NOT 6’000 words, it is 28’249 words.
4: Yes, I believe it was entertaining in plenty of conceivable ways.
5: Reaction? Pretty positive. A few people hated it, but hey, there isn’t a single artist alive who pleases 100%.
6: I have no mindset with net feuds as I haven’t had a really good one in a long, long time. I just make fun of people I like to make fun of.
My piece offended the Scotsman, by the way. Didn’t think that was possible. Not enough Scott-approved fat jokes, maybe?
Hello Grub Donkeys, I am Chris and this is the Midnight News and I am worn out. I am wiped. I am on fumes. It’s been a week and a half for me where tons and tons of stuff happened. So we’ll see what I can put together here… I think I can manage.
BUT, PLUGS
Anyway, go read And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H and see what the hoo ha is about. I’ll talk about it more at the end of this column.
Then sometime later, go read Scoop This. NoSoul opens his mailbag time and mentions me a bunch of times. He even plugs me in way I enjoyed. Yeah, you heard that right. I stand by it too… pfffth
COME HERE SPOT… SOME H… OH DAMMIT
Moondog Spot has died.
Moondog Spot died of a massive coronary while in the ring.
Moondog Spot was a major Tennessee wrestling legend since the 70’s.
This mean Moondog Spot was probably closer to 50 than he was to 40 when he went.
Let’s NOT blame pro wrestling for this, shall we? Let’s blame a lifetime of ribs and steak and cheeseburgers and beer and maybe cigarettes.
Look on the bright side, in people years Moondog Spot lived to be AT LEAST 315 years old!!
THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MRS. TRISH HYATTE
My Christ!! Dreams to come true!!!
Don’t know why, but Trish Stratus has signed on to star in… in…
My Lord… I’ll never leave the house again…
She’s starring in Mortal CumBat: Dominatrix as “On ya”… also starring Christopher Slambert and a whole mess of Japs. Jesus… je…
THANK YOU GOD!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOUUUUUUUUU!!!! MY DREAMS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!! YOU HAVE ANSWERED MY PRA…
Oh… wait… it’s Mortal COMBAT: DominatION… she’s “Sonya”… and it’s Christopher Lambert.
Oh…. great.
Well…. Good luck to her… I guess.
The summary says: After Liu Kang, Sonya, and Jax defeated the forces of Outworld nd prevented its merger with Earth, Shang Tsung exacts his revenge by forming an alliance with the powerful sorcerer Quan Chi. Together, they open a portal to Earth in a bid for ultimate domination. Lord Rayden, now an elder god, becomes dismayed by this horrific turn of events and calls forth the warriors of Mortal Kombat once more. Discovering a loophole in the rules of the tournament, and needing every ounce of help he can get, Rayden summons forth the soul of deceased warrior Johnny Cage and resurrects him so that he may join his fellow fighters and send Shang Tsung and his allies back to hell once and for all.
Yeah… I don’t see any sex scenes here… not even a titty shot.
Wonderful… I’ll be first in line.
Yippee
A BITCH FROM THE SYTCH
She ain’t here.
Maybe she read The Taking of Triple H and was too blown away to contribute?
Maybe she read The Taking of Triple H and decided, “Oh God, what am I doing attached to THIS loser?
Maybe she just had a busy week?
Pick one.
THE KING OF THE WRESTLING ONE-LINERS
Well when I hired him the first time, he didn’t do so great…
But then he filed a report from the Hunter/Stephanie wedding and just wowed us all!
So, because he deserves it and because YOU demanded it… ladies and Gentlemen, the KING OF THE WRESTLING ONE-LINERS…the comedy stylings of… MR. HAL JOTSKY!!
Thank you, Thank you!! Put over my Benoit, PLEASE (*rimshot)
Benoit’s wife came home one day and said the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When the Crippler asked where the car was, and she said it was in the lake. (BANG!!)
Ha ha ha HAA… very funny Mr. Jotsky, sir.
Speaking of wives, I hear the Undertaker has to drop his wife off everywhere! But the silly bitch keeps finding her way back! (ZAP!!)
But love isn’t all that bad. Take the newly wed Hunter and Stephanie! It’s great to see Hunter be in love with the same girl for many, many years. But if his new wife ever finds about her, LOOK OUT (WHOA!!)
Boy, I’ll tell you. Getting old is no fun! Ask Ric Flair! He used to be a ladies man but now his wild oats have turned to prune juice and Oat bran! (BA-DUM DUM)
Hal Jotsky, KING OF THE WRESTLING ONE-LINERS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!
Hell, why did Lawler cross the road? Because he thought the chicken was a slut!! (HO!!!)
Professional wrestlers. None of them can act! Why, they are wooden whenever they play with themselves their hands catch on fire (HIYOO!!!)
You gotta love the WWE! You know why Christ couldn’t have been born in the WWE? Because you wouldn’t be able to find three wise men OR a virgin!! (GIDDYUP!!)
Lots of beautiful ladies in the WWE!! Some of them aren’t so bright. In order to get a twinkle in Trish Stratus’s eye you have to shine a flashlight in her ear!! (HOWZAAA)
I tried to tell Trish a knock-knock joke? She kept trying to answer the door! (MISHIGAS!!)
Hey, HEY, Mr Jotsky!! Trish is a favorite of mine! Lay off now…
Take it easy, sonny boy. How about that Goldberg huh? Goldberg’s so Jewish, when he was growing up, he used to tease the other kids by screaming: “Your mother pays retail!” (ZAMPHIR!!)
I don’t want to say Goldberg’s people are cheap, but they wandered the desert for 40 years because somebody dropped a quarter!! (HUWAA)
MISTER JOTSKY, WILL YOU PLEASE BE MORE SENSITIVE??
Boy that Mark Henry has huge fingers! Must be because he has huge nostrils (BILLYCRUDUPPUP!!!)
NOW THAT’S… okay, that’s not SO bad…
Ya wanna know how Booker T learned the Spinerooni? He watched Goldberg crawl underneath the stalls of pay toilets. (KAPOW!!)
FOR GOD’S SAKES, MR JOTSKY!!
Ease up, ease up, junior. Why is Eddie Guererro drive a low rider? So he can pick the lettuce as he goes!! (BOOM SHAKABOOM!!!)
Mr. Jotsky.
Eddie’s steering wheel is so small so he can drive with handcuffs on!! (BANG ZOOM!!)
Hal??
What do you get when you cross a Guerrero with an octopus? Got me, but it sure can pick lettuce. (HEYMANAWWLEAVEMEALONEYAKNOW)
MR. JOTSKY!!! PLEASE STOP!!
What? You like Eddie too? Okay, then why don't Rey Mysterio have a checking account? Because it's hard to sign checks with a spray can. (BANZAI!!)
Oh, God… this isn’t going well…
You hear that Mark Henry and Rey Mysterio opened a restaurant together? It’s called “NACHO MAMA”!! (HUZZAH)
DAMMIT HAL, YOU PRO…ha ha hahahaha… Nacho Mama… that’s pretty funny… BWAHAHAHAAA
I was over the Guerrero’s house the other day. They had a diving board attached to their cesspool!! (PAPPITYPOWPOWPOW)
Oh YOU WERE NOT OVER AT THEIR HOUSE! STOP IT THIS INSTANT!!
Relax, kid. I’m a pro here. What do you get when you cross Booker T with a Tajiri? A car thief who can't drive. (FENGSHUI!!)
Ladies and Gentlemen, PLEASE remember that Mr. Jotsky comes from a different era…
Now, I don’t want to say Booker T has a lot of children, but in his house, another word for “confusion” is “Father’s Day”! (WHAZZUP!!!)
Oh GOD… people, the man came from a different time… where certain off color remarks were more acceptable in the mainstream.
Now , now… it’s okay. I happen to know that Booker T treats his kids GREAT! Why, you know what he got his son for his birthday? MY BIKE!! AND I WANT IT BACK!!!! (HEEHO!!)
Oh man… his bowtie is spinning… this is getting out of control. Cue the band…
You playing me off??? You little bag of… I ONCE MADE BILL COSBY SHINE MY SHOES WITH HIS WIFE’S EVENING DRESS!!! DO YOU KNOW YOU I AM???
HAL JOTSKY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!! That’s right, hook him out of here… hook him out.
Whew… ladies and gentlemen, rest assured, Mr. Jotsky’s jokes may be… insensitive, be I promise you, the love of his life is a lady called comedy, and he will NEVER be back!
Whew… tough room.
HOT ASS GOSSIP
Everyone loves these things!
Are they bullshit? Are they truth? Did they really happen? Were they figments of someone’s immense imagination? Who knows? Certainly not I… which is why I’m disguising these so they are vague enough to cover legal hassle!
-Ahh they say you can feel the sex in the air in this balmy Florida burg, where many WWE Superstars hang their hats on their off days, but does that excuse this extra tall drink of water for reliving the glory days back when he ran with a different “crew” and getting himself shit pissed? Nothing wrong with some cocktails, but then to stumble about and play grabby grab with a plucky young Sorority babe, especially when he’s got a special little elf waiting at home. Be careful dude, you might not be married yet, you may have the rep for making each and every WWE Diva feel welcome, but your special gal might just use her legs to run away! One has to wonder just what sort of answers you’ll give when she starts giving you a late night exam about your whereabouts.
-June Cleaver made them cool in the 50’s. Marge Simpson re-introduced them in the 90’s, and now the WWE use them to break in the new guys?
Sounds stupid, but if you’re a fresh faced superstar, do not be surprised to wake up in the night to find a veteran adorning your lovely neck with some homemade jewelry, spun from only the finest natural ingredients! Wear it proud!
-Then there is the fair maiden with the sharp tongue and the sharper brains busy hanging on the arm of the poster boy for that old southern rasslin’ amendment: “Fathers shall shove thy sons before all else”. Whatever is she doing there and not plying her gift for quick gab with a microphone, where she belongs?
Well, little birds tell me that this little Miss Independent is refusing to abide by another famed southern amendment: “She who suckles from the root of power shall gain it as well”. There be at least one powerful southern boy who yearns for this buxom young thing, and she’s just not answering his notes. So frustrated is he that she makes the hair stand up on his head… had he possess any.
Okay, I’m making this stuff too damn easy.
SWEET STAN THE OCEAN MAN
Sadly, I spent minutes trying to get a better title.
Ever wonder what happened to Sweet Stan of the Midnight Express?
Yeah, me neither.
Turns out that after he left/was booted from the WWF is 1996, he did NOT jump right to the lucrative car sales industry, like many of our top former wrestlers did, no, he’s been doing color commentary for the exciting world of Off Shore Power Boat racing.
PLUS, he’s given himself the most extreme flat top in history! Here, see for yourself!
When interviewed, Lane said, “I love boats! Me and Bobby sometimes go fishing on the weekends! It’s great, once we caught a Hammerhead shark. He put up a huge fight until Bobby climbed to the top of the boat, dove off and nailed jaws with a flying kneedrop! Then I pancake slapped it with my educated feet! Then Bobby got back in the boat, went to the top, dove off and hit it with a flying elbow! Then we dragged the thing to the announcers booth. Boddy grabbed the mic and stuck it near the shark’s mouth, after it moaned, Bobby punched it a few times. Then we gave it the Double Flap jack and had ourselves a HELL of a bar-be cue!”
Some times, Lane likes to go cruising around on his boat, “One day I hope to find that Brutus Beefcake floating around… boy, I’d love to be the one to finish the job on THAT face!”
So there you go, Sweet Stan loves boats!
BACK WHEN I WAS FUNNY
I pulled this classic closer back from the ScoopThis files, I believe… or maybe in the 411 files. I don’t know… who cares.
FAT CHICKS RULE!!!!
1) No telling what surprises you might find under her boobs. Finders keepers, bro!
2) You can always outrun them at a Nightclub when she catches you Macking out on another girl.
3) No STDs... VIRTUALLY GUARANTEED!!!
4) They are a whiz in the Kitchen
5) They don't care if you are an alcoholic
6) One compliment, just one, and Brother you just bought yourself a BlowJob
7) Impress your friends by throwing a Snickers Bar, then watching her fetch it and bring it back.
8) It's amazing but... no matter how bad you screw up, SHE WILL ALWAYS FORGIVE YOU!!!!!! (Sleep around on her, crash her car, use her credit cards, eat her last Twinkie)
9) If you stink... I mean truly SUCK at sex... think she'll know the difference? She'll call you a Love GOD!
10) Her skinny, hot friends will ADORE you for this. Maybe one of them will see her way to a little side action with you?
11) Her parents will LOVE you. Dad'll let you take the Mercedes out for a spin.
12) There is... like... no WAY anyone else will scam her while you're scamming someone else, so you can trust her completely.
13) Keep your car keys and house keys under that booby I told you about. It's more secure than if you stashed it in Fort Knox.
14) When you do her Doggy Style, think of all the room you'll have to make a sandwich, do homework, do your Income Taxes.
15) Don't feel like going out tonight? SHE DOESN'T EITHER!!!!
16) Feel like going out tonight? SHE STILL DOESN’T!!!!!! Lots of skinny HOT girls do, tho’! They’re out there, waiting for you!
17) For laughs, hook up a Snickers Bar to a very small remote control car. When she goes for it, drive it way. See how far down the street you can make her chase it. Make sure a friend or two is with you so you can all enjoy the comedy.
18) Save the environment, use her underwear as shopping bags!
19) You won’t feel that guilty when you decide to leave her and those chubby kids of yours. I mean look at them for God’s sakes!
20) You've had sex like rabbits. Since she's too embarrassed to go out and too scared to let you go, all you end up doing is sex, sex, sex. 9 months pass, you've banged her so much, and got her to stick to a good diet and exercise program, that she's actually dropped the baggage she's been hefting all these years. Lo and Behold, underneath all that flab, is one HELL of a hot babe!!!! Now, you have got a young, HOT, SKINNY babe who owes ALL HER WEIGHT LOSS to you and your ability to bang the flab off her. She has no clue that someone who REALLY knows how to boff is out there. All she knows is what your little pecker can do, and she LOVES IT!! Now you've got a hot skinny babe who WORSHIPS you like a GOD. The neat trick is, she still has the self esteem of a Fat Girl. She sees the same fat chick she's seen all her life, while the world sees this hot babe. She'll NEVER leave you. You've got yourself a SLAVE, Tiger.
How'z bout dem apples?
A LIVE MIC = DANGER!
We got us a kick ass line-up for this week. And what the hell, let’s pay homage to And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H, with a couple of these.
I’ll keep posting these so long as you keep sending them. Just try to be as accurate as possible.
*note: some of these may be wholly imaginary
ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE
Be nice to me or you won’t get an XFL franchise!- Vince McMahon from and Atlanta Raw in 2001
Well look at you out here running your mouth. You hit me with a chair, you insult me, and my country- Benoit
What’s that aboot?- Lawler
Well good news Bob, if you wanted my attention you got it. but Bob I think your about to realize its something you don’t want- Benoit
Who's Bob?- Lawler during a Benoit promo to Hardcore Holly on Raw in 2000
I didn’t bring you a DVD player, Christopher. But I brought us a videocamera, let’s hit record and see what happens!- Trish Stratus
Stephanie McMahon, you're right, The Bodies do hit the floor but you're usually naked with a paying customer on top -Chris Jericho
FRANKLY MY DEAR, I DON’T GIVE A… A…LINE?
You know, like with the wrestling quotes you guys are more than welcome to send in favorite movie quotes too… just make sure they are accurate.
Do you want me to get naked and start the revolution?- Orange County
It’s like my father use to say. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and I will give something to cry about you little bastard.- The Great White Hype
He's a sellout to the black community. He slept with a white woman
Really? Was it everything I ever dreamed of?- Undercover Brother
This is so fucked up, I don’t even know what I’m doing here?
You stabbed him, dude
Shut the fuck up!
YOU shut the fuck up!- Bully
I enjoy simple pleasures like butter in my ass and lollipops in my mouth. That's me -- call me crazy, call me a pervert, but this is something I enjoy.- Boogie Nights
Silly thing! I shall Mortally Combat you like the worthless TROLL-HAG YOU ARRRR…. Whoa, nice yam yams!!- Mortal Combat: Annihilation starring Trish Stratus
I’m sure the ACTUAL script won’t be much better.
Christopher Lambert… good Lord, HE’S still working?
And if you hadn’t seen “Bully” yet… I strongly suggest you do… lots of naked young chicks… lots of them… doing lots of nasty stuff.
Okay… I guess it’s time to get to it.
THE MIDNIGHT NEWS BOOK-OF-THE-TWO-WEEK-CLUB
And really… I think I can make a special exception for this week.
The selection this week is something that SHOULD have showed up here at 411 last week, but it didn’t, even though I screamed bloody murder about how it IS coming and how it WILL rock your world… it didn’t show up, for a multitude of reasons, NONE of which had anything to do with the piece.
It DID get posted, tho’. At Flea’s site. Flea was even nice enough to link the individual chapters, so you can come back and finish it if you had to go do something mid-way…
So, for those who didn’t read it yet, you can go read it now, do what a lot of other people did and stare, stunned AND slackjawed at what it is, and mutter to yourself: “Jesus Christ, what WAS that?”
In fact, I’m worried. I’m worried that a lot of you will only read what you see without fully understanding the layers I’m providing. Look for the subtext, assholes. Deep down it’s a philosophical essay on emotion vs practicality, business vs passion, money vs love. It’s also an examination on internet obsession on specifics and being wildly confident on base assumptions about what goes on inside the business (there’s even a self-effacing joke on…. well, you can find it and figure it out for yourself) . I’m worried that some of you idiots might skip the point and blow the thing off as just another Hyatte attempt to make fun of certain people.
That was me last week, and once the thing got posted, exactly what I thought would happen did.
Okay, so if you read it and sort of would like to know what I was thinking, or if you didn’t read it yet and would like to know, FINALLY, what it is and if you should bother, this will serve as a primer. I’m going to explain the basics here. I’m not going to call anyone names, I won’t yell at you kids, even though many of you FUCKING DESERVE IT YOU DUMB MOTHERF…… grrr… (*huff… *puff)… no, no, no… well, maybe at the end… who knows? We’ll see.
See, I threw this out blind, giving no hints as to what’s in it… so I sort of knew that the initial reaction would be shock. I was interested in seeing how the shock would manifest itself. You didn’t disappoint.
And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H is a short story (and probably closer to a novella). It is satire. It is an absurdist parable. It explores just how much effect the Internet has on professional wrestling in a fictional setting. That’s the main layer, there are a lot more layers buried underneath. I’ll touch on a couple, but really, it’s up to the reader to get whatever he or she wants to take out of it.
So, eliminate the sub-text and here’s what you get: Three Hard-core geeks calling themselves the Internet Wrestling Community Coalition somehow manage to kidnap Triple H, hold him hostage, and demand that Vince McMahon make Chris Benoit UNIFIED world champion live on RAW that night. Vince McMahon fights back. That’s pretty much it. I have it paced well, nothing drags, very little wasted space, and all my little subplots fell together quite neatly. At it’s core, it’s a fun story that’ll put a few smiles on your face. It ends up being a chess game between Vince and the leader of the IWCC, code named “Scooter”.
Sounds like just some more crappy “fan fiction”, doesn’t it? Bullshit. I’ve seen fan fiction, anyone who’s ever read a friggin’ copy of PWI has seen fan fiction. Straight fan fiction doesn’t come close to the topics I’ve explored in this story, such as what Chris Benoit really think about being so huge on the net, how rabid are Canadian fans, how sweet Trish Stratus really is, and how it’s really just all about recognition with us net people, etc, etc. Sorry, but I’m working on a different level here.
Straight fan fiction is normally like a romance novel… it’s got sex, sometimes GAY sex… that’s so below me it’s… it’s… oh, wait a minute… I DO have gay sex in this story. Well, I’ll get to that in a minute.
Anyway, enough preamble… I looked over all reaction, good and bad, and thought it would be easier to address the topics in a handy-dandy “Frequently Asked Questions” format. Again, if you didn’t read it yet, you might want to read it now. I can wait.
Okay then, here we go.
1: You basically wrote an entire novel as one rip on Scott Keith. Are you THAT jealous?.
First of all, I have no reason to be jealous of Scott Keith. I don’t believe he even owns a car.
Cards on the table: If I wanted to get published for wrestling, I could take all of my old “And Another Things” and shape them into a heck of a book that wouldn’t make a dime. Pat McNeil did it. So did the Wrestlecrap boys. Am I jealous of them too? Put away your anti-Hyatte bias for one second and think: if I did a book filled with “And Another Thing”-like quality stuff, the same quality that pretty much everyone (reluctantly) admits is some of the best out there, wouldn’t that have potential to be the most kick ass wrestling book EVER? Of course it would. No, I’m not jealous. I’m a better writer than he is, and better looking. Agree/disagree… I don’t much care.
The character of “Scooter” is NOT Scott Keith, not really. I don’t know Scott Keith. Never had a conversation with the man. I don’t know what he does during those two hours a day he’s offline. I don’t know his favorite color, his favorite jerk-off fantasy, his favorite type of car, or how he pronounces the word “about”. I know nothing about him.
Scooter is the representation of each and every IWCC geek stereotype there is. All of them made flesh. Now I thought about using three generic people, who you could have pictured as whoever your imaginations wanted, but I decided that you would be more drawn into it if you had at least one clear-cut IWC guy in mind as the antagonist.
Now you tell me… out of each and every writer in the IWC land, who is arrogant enough, pseudo-smart enough, and enough of a web mark to actually assume to know what goes on backstage enough to engineer this heist in order to change things, and who is passionate enough about his beliefs to try to pull this off? Had I written this 4 years ago, I would have a few more options to pick from, but right now… the only person who COULD be “Scooter”, is Scott Keith. It’s not my fault, he built himself up like this all by himself. I just watched and said, “By God, he’s a character!”. Is this who Scott is offline? I don’t know. I needed a model for the team leader and no one else could have been the inspiration for “Scooter”.
In fact, his reaction to the piece is evidence enough that I made the right decision:
I think he's doing a fine job of digging his own hole with...whatever that was.
Arrogant, dismissive, and taking the net waaaay too seriously. (Exactly what hole can I be possibly digging? Will I go to JAIL? Will I get SUED? Will someone KILL ME. 411 may not post this, but they won’t fire me.)
Look at it like this: if I didn’t base the character of “Scooter” on him, YOU would have.
2: So who was Q? Who was Anakin?
If you’ve gone to a message board, you’ve met Q. He’s the guy who has the most posts, posts about 100 times a day, adds NOTHING to any post he makes and in fact, is usually just AGREEING with whatever the thread is about. He’s been around the board and has made enough posts to get to be moderator. He’s creepy in his passion for who sucks and who’s great and comes across as a true loser and the ultimate sycophant. The guy who has his head furthest up the ass of the board owner. That’s Q.
Anakin is the lurker. He’s registered on a few boards, makes infrequent posts that usually just asks a question about something then politely says thanks when it’s answered. He’ll write to web guys and has definite opinions on who he likes and who should die, but he’s quiet. He’s the harmless, impressionable internet mark. He’s also the X-Factor. You pretty much have Q and Scooter pegged, but Anakin surprises everyone by being the biggest pain in Hunter’s ass of the three! (HA!!)
3: Dude, too much gay sex, you faggot
This is the part that most of you guys didn’t like.
First, Q’s rape is implied. Doesn’t necessarily means it happened.
Second, I needed to make the final confrontation between Hunter and Scooter to be somewhat equal, so while Scooter had the gun, Hunter had to be free. I wanted to free him in an unusual way. Doesn’t get much more unusual than the way I did it.
Again, I have to remind you, this is a satire, an exploration of the IWC and how we interpret the business. How many times (and I am not innocent of this) have you read someone in a column or on a board say “This is gay”, or “You’re all faggots!”? Plus, why are you reading this? Why did you read the story? Why do you know who Scooter might be? Because you like to watch and discuss a fake sport where grown, muscular, sweaty, buffed out men grapple with one another. It’s a fake sport where women wrestlers are mostly “put up with” with very little thought given to their storylines. The business of professional wrestling is homo-eroticism to it’s very foundation, people. If I didn’t play with that irony and put it in the story, it wouldn’t have been a proper allegory.
Tell you what, read it and pretend that Anakin put Hunter in the “Steiner Recliner” instead… you’ll have the exact same visual.
4: Why isn’t it on 411?
Because Widro had a really bad week which had nothing to do with me.
Why isn’t it up NOW? Because Widro doesn’t want headaches, even though the guy who would bitch really should be flattered that I chose him as the model for all things IWC. Or maybe Widro just wants blogs from his writers… lots and lots of blogs.
And ya know what - if it ain’t on 411, then it’s FURTHER proof I picked my model for Scooter WELL.
Or I’m kidding myself and it really sucks. Either or. It’s a shame, but Flea has it and it’ll stay there.. I wish it can come up here, and it probably will one day.
5: This took you a YEAR to write?
I misspoke, so it’s my fault here.
I had the idea for the story for a year, I write the first couple of chapters about 3 months ago, then wrote the rest right around the time I started plugging it harder. Had I not waited until the deadline to wrap it up, I would have gone back and streamlined the whole thing so it kept in one voice. But then I decided that this is enough free labor as you deserve, so you get first drafts.
6: Why do you hate Canada?
I don’t. I just enjoy your dialects. I had the most fun twisting words and phrases and making them Canadian. I found about 6 web pages stuffed with Canadian slang that I had at the ready at all times. It was fun learning what a Chinook was and playing with the pronunciations of words, (I hope you caught how Scooter gets more “Canadian” whenever he gets excited)
Of course, at least one mistake did slip through:
NoSoul: So Hunter signed a LOONY?
Me: Yup
NoSoul: Now that’s a talented man
Bah…
Besides, Canadian wrestling fans are the most intense. If I set the story in… say… New York or Cleveland, it would have lost a HUGE amount of flavor.
And big thanks go out to Sarah Blade who looked over what I wrote in her native tongue and admitted that it sounded legit. As soon as she hits 21, she’s got one hell of a blowjob to give!
7: You call yourself a writer? You had these long winded speeches in there that NO ONE would say in real life!
You mean, since I never had a conversation with Vince OR Hunter that I had them speak as if they were cutting promos?
Well hell.
8: I don’t get it. Is this supposed to be funny or serious?
Satires are allowed to be both. It’s definitely a black comedy. If you didn’t enjoy it… (and you can enjoy it whether you laughed or not), then too bad. A lot of people did. They’re the ones who write to me in e-mails… they aren’t the ones who post on message boards (think about that one a bit). No one can please everyone.
9: You must hate the net. Why are you still in it?
I don’t HATE the net. The net can be a powerful tool when it wants to be.
I just have to laugh at what goes on around here. The same people harping on the same points and in the end, nobody does a thing about it other than gripe.
So I thought, “how goofy would it be if someone actually TRIED to do something about it, but they were so short sighted about it that it ended up in disaster?” Hence the story.
And like the net, in the end, “Scooter” learns nothing. Nothing changes, everything’s the same.
11: Do you really think you’re going to sleep with Trish Stratus after this love letter to her?
No. But her imposter read it and said it wasn’t amazing, but it was a thoroughly enjoyable read.
To that I say: Compared to what is out there on the web, it was totally amazing. Now bend over.
10: All that hype. This was rammed down our throats as something that will rock our worlds! Don’t you feel STUPID now??
You know, I’m the only guy who hyped this. This was the only column that talked about it. If you never read me, like most of you keep swearing, you would have never heard of the story. Did I over-hype it? NO!!
Because, for Christ sakes, I’ve been at this thing long enough to know two things:
1: You readers have to be beaten over the head in order to remember to read something.
2: If I didn’t plug this with the ego-maniacal THUNDER that I am known for, you would have been disappointed. I know what you like from me. You like seeing me thump my chest like an asshole. You like me getting over-excited over some nonsense.
I’ll tell you something else. When it’s all over and God finally gives me that massive coronary that I’ve been praying for, you had BETTER RECOGNIZE that no matter what you thought of me, Hyatte NEVER had a problem laying his balls out on the table and BEGGING someone to stomp on them! I never took it back… I never went for the low key approach. I plugged, I hyped, and I screamed and by God, I blew your minds… even if you hated it, you were STUNNED by it. For better or for worse, I didn’t hand in usual net trash. I handed in something different, something unusual, and something that people will remember years from now. JUST like the Mop-Ups, JUST like the other AAT’s, and maybe just like some of these Midnight Newses.
And if you simply didn’t like it… then you might as well stop reading me, because I’m only in this for me now… for what I want to write about, for my stories. You might as well bail and go enjoy the 67 RAW examinations that permeate the web every Tuesday.
It’s STILL the best thing on the net. Show me something anyone has recently done that’s more interesting?
And I’m STILL the best too, because as I proved, you’ll never, EVER have the slightest clue what I’ll be doing next. What if I promised a new AAT every month? Tell me you wouldn’t be extremely curious as to what I’d do.
You bet your fucking ASS you would be.
You go re-read the Triple H story… I’m taking the next week off… I’m so burnt from all this writing, it’s sick.
And coming soon: And Another Thing: The Taking of Vince Russo. And if you thought the LAST one was outrageous… ho HO!!
SEE!!, Already you’re a bit intrigued.
You can blow me.
This is Hyatte